I am getting used to the fact that I am suffering from depression. And I look out to my own bit changes in daily life.
Still I fear a lot of things.
I fear I might be fading inwards. I feel so lonely, so alone, and so singular. I have lost the ability to associate myself with others, and I have had my social life destroyed. I literally have no social life at all. For the past two months, I have had only two dates with people other than either my boyfriend or my tutor students. I had dinner once with Alan, and Kiya came to visit me at my dorm one time. That sums up to two. That's all the social events I have had for two entire months, and probably longer if I think through it.
It is often said that depressed people need friends. But where do friends come from? First of all, one has to make friends to have friends. Then, one must keep up with the friendship to preserve it. Then, depending on each situation, this friendship deepens or simply remains. I wonder where I lost it, but anyhow I just did.
So one day when inwards I'd like to cry for help and care, I have no one to turn to. Plus, I lose the interest in any contact with the outside world, so as days go by, I barely go anywhere and barely speak to anyone, therefore it is more than natural for nobody to speak to me ever since.
There are times when I wonder whether I am allowed a chance to make up for anything, and redeem any love, concern, or affection I have once had in my life. It feels so good to be loved and cared. Even if it's only a "hi" or "what's up" could be burningly warm. There are times when I wonder if I should ever be forgiven by the whole world.
There are also times when I run into friends or schoolmates I haven't met for quite some while, and they say hi. They ask me, out of courtesy or sincerity, what's been up. And I wish I could tell them all. Usually, we're standing in the middle of a hallway, both rushing to some class; or, we could be at the dorm gate, one leaving and one returning. So, these occasions, they're usually a squeezed rush of time, no more than minutes. The minutes are only enough to trade for courtesy talk, and the conversation never gets deeper. It is never a good time -- in a manner of time or manner of occasion -- to reveal my true thoughts or emotions.
But still, when anybody, running into me, says anything such as "I love your hair today" or "are you still doing that course?" I feel more comfortable than ever. Surely it would be seriously awkward to comment to that person -- close to me or not so -- that "you have lighted my day by just speaking to me." And when coming to think of it, nobody seems ever close enough to me for me to spit out anything really sensitive or fundamental. To most people, I am just an average friend. If I had expressed how I loved them, they would definitely freak out and step back.
It's summer. Days are different (I wish.) I really feel dreadful. But meanwhile, I hope I get better, not knowing how -- yet.